I am writing this letter to express how sorry I am for the man that I am. Since I decided to turn my life over to God and developed a personal relationship with him, I began to see all the areas in my life that need improvement. I found out that I was not treating you the way God designed a man to treat his wife. I want to pause for a moment and honestly say to you “I am sorry,” please forgive me. Through the help of the Holy Spirit and the new positive association and influence around me, I now see that there are role models who can help me learn how to serve you better.
As I look back in my past, I began to understand why I could not treat you like the queen you are. I had no one to teach me. I grew up in a home without a father, and my mother did the best she could. I am grateful for all she did, but now I realize that a man is not born they are developed. A male child must be nurtured by their father or a role model into how to become a man. I had no one to teach me how to become one. All I saw in my youth were family members cheating and abusing their spouses. My dad left when I was a baby, and I did not see how it could have impacted me negatively and how it would relate to how I treated you, but I know differently now. All of the marriages in my family did not last. Some of them did not even make it past their first anniversary.
I am looking back now, and wondering why you put up with me for so long. How did you do it? I remembered the nights I stayed out late, not even caring to call and let you know if I was safe or not. Lusting after other women when my heart and mind was supposed to be center on you.
Calling you names that were not right, and in the process harming and degrading your character as a wife.
I paid the bills, made sure the kids had food, and I thought because I am doing all of that, it should have been good enough for you.
I realized now that a boss tells people what to do and expect them to do it. I want to become a leader; a leader shows his family what to do in leading by example.
You see, I was never taught how to show love and affection. I did not show my emotions to you because I was told that I would be considered weak and not a real man.
We had sex, but I did not make love to you. I did not create an atmosphere that made you feel special. I should have captivated your mind and soul during our sexual encounters and communicate to you spiritually. No one told me that a woman is not driven by sex, she is driven by her emotion. I am learning from my mentors that a woman desire romance, affection, and intimacy. I thought that sex starts in the bedroom, but now I know for the woman it is how she is treated throughout the day that prepares her for the bedroom at night.
I am sorry that most of my communication is while you were laying on your back. This is not the way a husband should show interest in his wife.
I know now that God does not want me to be broke, he wants me to be able to lead my family the way a husband should.
I can go on and on with the apologies, but I want you to know l finally got it. I have been out of the will of God and his design plan for marriage was not established in our marriage. I was selfish and self-centered, and this is not a recipe for a good marriage. This is a recipe for failure.
Looking back, I can honestly say how could I give you what no one taught me? How could I be that husband when I did not have one to be my role model? How can I give you my best self when I did not even know who I was? Then I found Jesus, and He made all the difference. Please remember, a man is not born a man is developed. 1 Corinthians 13:11 says “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” All these childish things I use to do and believe it was right, I want to say, I’m sorry.
I want to love you the way you desire to be loved. I want to love you as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. I want to give you all of me and the best of me.
Who I am is based on my past, but the man or the husband I become is based on me. Now that I have gotten a clearer understanding of my role as a Kingdom Man, I’m ready to lead you, I am ready to love you the way God tells me through His Word. I wanted you to change and understand me more, but I finally got it. How can you change when I remain the same? The change I want to see in my marriage must first begin with ME. I am so ready to become that man and that husband.